Beauty V's The Beast

When I did my photo shoot even when I did the calendar shot in 2010 I still do not see what others see. Those images are not about vanity even though it may look that way. They are about paying off my debts and regaining my independents within a currently strained marriage.
Yes, I am a confident individual who hides behind her voice i.e. I talk a lot, but I am no different to any other women who have gone through this disease head on. My needs are important and I wanted to show my husband look I am still Sarah. I am better than the old Sarah and don’t you forget it. I have become more confident, wiser and not so shallow with my attitude to my own mortality.

Before cancer I would say you know what I’m a background person not a person who poses for a camera. This is because I was told that is the position best suited to me. This is still true because I am comfortable being in the role where no-one sees me. I like to help others, not bathe in the sunlight of false compliments.

Me in red, Brother in middle, Eldest sister in tartan dress, youngest sister
of head back.  

This Sunday gone there were 127 images taken of me in various poses? On returning home I chose twelve that I feel are ok to gain work in a competitive industry. When I placed those images on my FB page it was for my mother to see because growing up I was told I was the ugly sibling. My mother peeks onto my blog every now and then, but she finds I talk about cancer too much. So for her to see those images and invite a neighbour to see them was my way of saying, ‘Look what I have achieved in such a short space of time.’ I am slowly moving away from the doubt which was instilled in me as a child.

2004 I had just discovered I was pregnant
Me and mum chatting in garden..

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer I received a card from my eldest sister and all I thought was well I am the ugly sister and now I am going to become even more distorted. Even though I was happy to be where I was Mother Nature wanted to make life harder. I grumbled and burned that card because I knew for me to walk with my head high I had to keep those cobwebs of pain at bay. To me receiving that card was not out of concern; it was to weaken an already weakened and worried mind.

We are born to be who we are we just have to learn that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The beholder is you and once you realise that you are half way there. None of us are Kate Moss because she is Kate Moss. Visually I may think I am ugly, but for some reason I shine. And the shine attracts people with a belief that my shine is beautiful. People may doubt my sincerity and believe I am talking crap, but trust me the most beautiful of people have the ugliest of shines. I know because in this industry you see plenty of them. That is why they are fighting to be noticed. Personally it is not about me being noticed even though that is involved. I just want my debts cleared, but if I gain anything else I know it is because of my journey that I shine hard not because of my looks.